Humorous

A collection of humorous quotes from Blacks who don't always take things too seriously.

Airplanes may kill you, but they ain't likely to hurt you.
Satchel Paige

Black movies don't have real names, they have names like Barbershop. That's not a name, that's just a location.
Chris Rock

Bush did some things you could never get away with at your job, man. ... Just imagine you worked at the Gap. You're $70 trillion behind on your register and then you start a war with Banana Republic 'cause you say they got toxic tank tops over there. You have the war, people are dying, a thousand Gap employees are dead, bleeding all over the khakis, you finally take over Banana Republic, and you find out they never made tank tops in the first place.
Chris Rock

Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.
Chris Rock

Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.
Chris Rock

Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing.
Chris Rock

Here's some great news. So far, 10 awards have been given out, and so far none of the winners have tested positive for steroids. So we're cool there.
Chris Rock, VMA Awards

I am a sexual machine now. Raring to go every second of the day. I'm human Viagra. I am Will-agra.
Will Smith

I carried my Oscar to bed with me. My first and only three-way happened that night.
Halle Berry

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
Chris Rock

I still have my feet on the ground, I just wear better shoes.
Oprah Winfrey

I'm too big to have some woman hold my stomach and say 'Now kick your feet?.
Will Smith

I've been on so many blind dates I should get a free dog.
Whitney Young, Jr.

It's a great night tonight. We have four black nominees. tonight. It's kinda like Def Oscar Jam tonight.
Chris Rock, VMA Awards

It's a sex object if you're pretty and no love or love and no sex if you're fat.
Nikki Giovanni

Our grandfathers had to run, run, run. My generation's out of breath. We ain't running no more.
Stokely Carmichael

Our next presenter is the first woman to ever breast-feed an Apple - Gwyneth Paltrow.
Chris Rock, VMA Awards

People will frighten you about a graduation...They use words you don't hear often... "And we wish you Godspeed." It is a warning, Godpeed. It means you are no longer welcome here at these prices.
Bill Cosby

Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them.
Chris Rock

There are people who would like to get rid of minimum wage. But we have to have it, because if we didn't some people would not get paid money. They would work all week for two loaves of bread and some Spam.
Chris Rock

Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest.
Chris Rock

Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know? People are nice to ya, they give you the beneift o' the doubt... You drive a flash car down the freeway and the cops'll pull y'over and before they even look they like 'What the fuck are you doing?' and then they see it's you and they like 'Awww man, it's Chris Rock, it's okay, man we thought you was a nigga'.
Chris Rock

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'.
Chris Rock